StillKim

  • Planning the perfect exit

    Planning the perfect exit

    On the heels of my Still Inspiring story featuring Grace Maher, Funeral Director extraordinaire (January 2026 post), I have had some conversations recently with friends about that supposedly taboo subject – planning for our final exit from this world. 

    We all lamented the situation that Grace referenced during my chat with her, that some people are not holding any kind of service or celebration of life after a loved one has died. (There, I said the “D” word, not some light hearted euphemism) 

    I read many obituaries (yes, I am at that age!) that report no service or visitation is being held “in accordance with the wishes of the deceased.” 

    Really? Come on! 

    The funeral isn’t held for the deceased. It’s held for the living. 

    Why would you want to rob your family or friends at least some time to remember what a cantankerous or miserable old, er,,, I mean loving person you were while you walked the earth? ;)

    At the very least, your directions should be designed to keep the family busy at something other than arguing about how little you left in the will. Enough time for that later!

    And then there’s the black humour that we are robbing our family of experiencing when they have to follow our wishes. 

    One friend shared a story about being in “that” room of caskets at the funeral home. “I like to go shopping, but this isn’t really what I had in mind,” she blurted out loud as she was still trying to take in her father’s sudden and unexpected death.

    I guess if you shop til you drop, you’re in the right place?

    If there’s proof that the funeral is for the living and not the deceased, consider my family’s experience in that department store of caskets after my beloved father’s death. My brother and I honed in on the plain pine box without brass handles or fancy decorations and looked at each other. “This is exactly what dad would want,” we said at the same time. And then in the next breath, “But what would people think?” 

    So we purchased the next best option, preserving the family reputation. (Although I did sing, under my breath, the words to Tight as a Drum during the service – as Dad had requested. He’d also wanted the ashes flushed (yup!) but since, as I say, the funeral is for the living, we didn’t do that. And since singing the slightly ribald war tune out loud might have shocked the still-living assembly, I kept it very low, but I am sure Dad was laughing.)

    As strange as it seems, doing the things I knew he would want gave me comfort at a time I needed it. (Did he, in his wisdom, realize that?)

    Without specific direction from my mother when it was her turn, we would never have known that she wanted a grey casket. So it would match the rose-coloured dress she chose as her “going away” outfit. (I kid you, not) I mean, who knew they came in colour options? Caskets, I mean, not going away dresses! She loved grey – thought it was classy!

    I’m sure people would have talked for months without that colour co-ordination. We even made sure the flowers would complement the colour scheme. 

    A friend shared a story about a favoured relative who, in life, always had her slip showing below her skirt hem. Many of the women at the funeral wore their slips just a little bit lower than required in her honour. If there had been no service, how would they have been able to honour her in this unique way?

    I love the old movie “Imitation of Life,” the one made in 1959 starring Lana Turner. It’s a real tear-jerker at the end when the funeral for Annie Johnson (played by Juanita Moore) is featured, just as the Black housekeeper outlined in her funeral plans. Those plans included a large church, a gospel choir, a funeral procession with a band and four white horses drawing the hearse. She really knew how to go out in style. And it did the trick, but you will have to watch the movie to learn what it did for her daughter. No spoiler alerts here. (But if you’re a Mahalia Jackson fan, she gets a cameo role!)

    The point is, the housekeeper had a plan for when the inevitable happened. Smart woman. 

    How many times have you attended or arranged a funeral and learned something you didn’t know about the deceased? 

    I didn’t know my friend sang the Lord’s Prayer while out fishing on a lake one early morning with only one person, and we imagine a host of God’s creatures, to hear him. What a great remembrance I now have of him. 

    Someone told me about a kindness my mother had extended to neighbours when they needed it most, and I never knew about it. Now a treasured memory I have of her. 

    How often have you said ”I didn’t know that!” after a funeral? And as a result, that person’s time here is extended because you have that memory. 

    That was Grace’s point. We miss out on those stories if we don’t hold something. 

    I’m not here to sell funeral home or church services, but only to stir some thinking in how you might be approaching this subject. (Not to be morbid, but we all have an exit date!)

    I have created a funeral binder (thanks Marg for the advice on this!) and told my kids where to find it. It includes all of the documents they will require at the time, as well as some advice and suggestions for the “arrangements” as we call them.  I have seen something similar online with the title “F*&$ I’m Dead. Now What?” but you can create your own version and spend less! Just borrow the fancy name and give the kids a giggle after you are gone!

    There’s lots of online advice about what should or can be included, such as marriage certificate, birth certificate, will, insurance papers, banking instructions, burial plot or directions for ashes, music preferences, speaker preferences, – even the colour of your casket if that’s important to you! (Or as one movie recently depicted, the father requested that his sons actually dig the grave – yikes!)

    I have avoided a post on new year resolutions because they just get hijacked anyway, but perhaps this is something you would consider doing this year for your family. They will benefit from the directions.

    But, tongue firmly planted in cheek, why not leave them directions they’ll talk about for years to come?! 

    ***

    If you have a unique funeral story to share that demonstrates the importance of this ritual in our lives, please share by replying to this post. Scroll down to the bottom of the page to find the comment field. I suspect our stories will uplift each other! 

    Some readers have told me they have difficulties when trying to comment on a post.  I have been told that you should be able to leave a reply after typing in the comment field and clicking on PostComment. You will be asked for your name and email only. You do not require an account to make a comment (if you have a WordPress account, then it may kick in to ask you for those details. One of my readers, unbeknownst to her, did have an account. If this happens, try another email account to respond under.)

  • Resume versus Eulogy

    Resume versus Eulogy


    I recall my father telling me, with a hint of surprise in his voice, that he had fewer years left than what he had lived already. It was a concept I could not (or did not want to) fathom in my young adulthood. But now, suddenly it seems, I get it. Some days better than others.

    ***

    I have been doing a lot of thinking about resume virtues versus eulogy virtues lately. I was introduced to the concept in a writing workshop, The Wisdom Years, where we read an article by David Brooks, a cultural commentator for the New York Times and a Ted Talks presenter. 

    Brooks wrote that we have likely spent much of our lives focused on our resume virtues, those skills and values that framed our careers, and our efforts to earn a living. I identified with his reflections about this. To prospective employers, I listed the skills that I possessed which would support the company’s goals. Or, later in my career my focus was on developing my expertise so that clients would be willing to pay for my consultant services. I honed skills in areas such as punctuality, accuracy, technology, leadership, effective presentations… and even returned to school ( in my 50s) as I sought promotions, titles, and pay increases. Resume skills were an area I taught to students as a college professor.

    On the other hand, eulogy virtues, according the Brooks, may not have been given the same amount of attention yet they may be more important. These are the parts of our personalities that are responsible for the relationships we developed and nurtured throughout life, not in return for a pay cheque. The idea created questions for me such as, have I been a compassionate friend who supported others through the thick and the thin of life? Have I shared my time and gifts in making the lives of others easier, more joyful, or meaningful? Are my exchanges with others designed to build them up? Am I present or mindful in my interactions?

    As Maya Angelou expressed it: people may forget what you said or did, but “people will never forget how you made them feel.”  How do people feel after interacting with you? Think of those people who make you feel better about yourself, or loved, after an encounter. What’s their magic sauce?

    In the workshop we were encouraged to draft our own eulogy with the thought, how would I want to be remembered? And if we have not been drawing on those eulogy virtues, perhaps it is time to focus on them, to bring them to the forefront as we consider how we will spend these wisdom years, the time when for most of us, our careers and work lives are over. 

    It was a compelling exercise… and then I attended two funerals. 

    The first was for a 90+ year-old woman who had been a wife and mother, who worked outside the home and raised two sons. It was clear in the remarks from her grown grandchildren and her daughter-in-law that this woman had lived a eulogy life. Her job in a law office was worth about two lines in one of the presentations. The rest talked of how she made her children and grandchildren feel safe and loved because of her quiet, steadfast, and supportive presence in their lives, including air travel to attend a wedding in western Canada when in her 80s. It was a true testament and celebration of a life well-lived and appreciated for her love, compassion, and time and attention. 

    The second funeral was more challenging as it was for the 71-year-old husband of a long-standing, good friend. He had just fully retired 3 1/2 months prior and his death was sudden. This man was a veterinarian who brought compassion to the care he provided to both large and small animals over his career and yet, his work life was just a side-bar to the stories that were shared at his funeral by his close friends and his three children. It was clear that his humour and his caring heart made life better for others. He was a good friend who took the time to tell others how he felt about them; as one described it, he had empathy for others. He was the glue that brought everyone together. I know from personal experience that he sought to build bridges of understanding between people in a quiet, respectful manner. Grown men were unashamed as they shed tears because of this loss. His daughter told us she had received a message from him just days before his death in which he told her how proud he was of her. The kind of message we are told time and time again to send, send, send NOW! Don’t wait! The funeral was also a reminder to us all that we have a finite time, and I have no doubt that many of us asked ourselves on the way home, what are we doing with that time?

    My reflections turned to my mother, who in her 60s told me she was still waiting for something, some “more” to life yet, and this “something more” remained elusive. She struggled to define it. 

    At this stage of life there does come a niggling thought that, surely there’s more to life. Talk to most people and they will express the thought that It all happened very quickly. Are we really this age, already? 

    Perhaps it is in the restlessness one feels after retirement when we have a new sense of time and freedom… when we ask, what now? When those work skills we so carefully developed in earlier years don’t seem so important anymore. 

    Perhaps it is because we are struck with the sobering thought that we have lived more years of our life than what we have left. How we invest our time now is more important than ever, and my friend’s funeral brought that fact home. And, I was humbled by the realization that my friend had shared his eulogy virtues throughout his life.

    For some of us, perhaps now is the time to think about the virtues we might have ignored or set in the background as we built careers. When our time was limited by the competing demands of career, marriage, kids, family obligations etc.  Now we have time to focus on those values that move beyond the trappings of stature or career. Perhaps now is the time to focus on what is really important: our relationships with family and friends. 

    In the Hindu faith, this time of life is referred to as the “vanaprastha” years, when the elder members leave the household duties to the younger and take on the role of advisor or guide. It can also be a time of spiritual journey, of introspection, a time to recognize we are not immortal. 

    My mother was clearly doing some introspection when she wondered, what now?, after successfully raising five kids. I hope she had others to talk with, others who would be able to recognize the reflection that was going on behind the words. Such sharing can enrich life when we meet others who truly see us.

    How are you experiencing the “vanaprastha” time of your life? What do you think about the concept of resume versus eulogy virtues? How do you enhance your important relationships? Is there someone you need to connect with now?

    ***

    Read David Brook’s full article here: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/12/opinion/sunday/david-brooks-the-moral-bucket-list.html#:~:text=It%20occurred%20to%20me%20that,you%20capable%20of%20deep%20love%3F

    David Brooks Ted Talk https://www.ted.com/talks/david_brooks_should_you_live_for_your_resume_or_your_eulogy

    If a writing workshop on The Wisdom Years appeals, check it out here: https://thestoryguides.com/the-wisdom-years

    Vanaprastha: Becoming Conscious of Your Mortality, https://isha.sadhguru.org/en/wisdom/sadhguru-spot/vanaprastha-becoming-conscious-mortality