On the heels of my Still Inspiring story featuring Grace Maher, Funeral Director extraordinaire (January 2026 post), I have had some conversations recently with friends about that supposedly taboo subject – planning for our final exit from this world. 

We all lamented the situation that Grace referenced during my chat with her, that some people are not holding any kind of service or celebration of life after a loved one has died. (There, I said the “D” word, not some light hearted euphemism) 

I read many obituaries (yes, I am at that age!) that report no service or visitation is being held “in accordance with the wishes of the deceased.” 

Really? Come on! 

The funeral isn’t held for the deceased. It’s held for the living. 

Why would you want to rob your family or friends at least some time to remember what a cantankerous or miserable old, er,,, I mean loving person you were while you walked the earth? ;)

At the very least, your directions should be designed to keep the family busy at something other than arguing about how little you left in the will. Enough time for that later!

And then there’s the black humour that we are robbing our family of experiencing when they have to follow our wishes. 

One friend shared a story about being in “that” room of caskets at the funeral home. “I like to go shopping, but this isn’t really what I had in mind,” she blurted out loud as she was still trying to take in her father’s sudden and unexpected death.

I guess if you shop til you drop, you’re in the right place?

If there’s proof that the funeral is for the living and not the deceased, consider my family’s experience in that department store of caskets after my beloved father’s death. My brother and I honed in on the plain pine box without brass handles or fancy decorations and looked at each other. “This is exactly what dad would want,” we said at the same time. And then in the next breath, “But what would people think?” 

So we purchased the next best option, preserving the family reputation. (Although I did sing, under my breath, the words to Tight as a Drum during the service – as Dad had requested. He’d also wanted the ashes flushed (yup!) but since, as I say, the funeral is for the living, we didn’t do that. And since singing the slightly ribald war tune out loud might have shocked the still-living assembly, I kept it very low, but I am sure Dad was laughing.)

As strange as it seems, doing the things I knew he would want gave me comfort at a time I needed it. (Did he, in his wisdom, realize that?)

Without specific direction from my mother when it was her turn, we would never have known that she wanted a grey casket. So it would match the rose-coloured dress she chose as her “going away” outfit. (I kid you, not) I mean, who knew they came in colour options? Caskets, I mean, not going away dresses! She loved grey – thought it was classy!

I’m sure people would have talked for months without that colour co-ordination. We even made sure the flowers would complement the colour scheme. 

A friend shared a story about a favoured relative who, in life, always had her slip showing below her skirt hem. Many of the women at the funeral wore their slips just a little bit lower than required in her honour. If there had been no service, how would they have been able to honour her in this unique way?

I love the old movie “Imitation of Life,” the one made in 1959 starring Lana Turner. It’s a real tear-jerker at the end when the funeral for Annie Johnson (played by Juanita Moore) is featured, just as the Black housekeeper outlined in her funeral plans. Those plans included a large church, a gospel choir, a funeral procession with a band and four white horses drawing the hearse. She really knew how to go out in style. And it did the trick, but you will have to watch the movie to learn what it did for her daughter. No spoiler alerts here. (But if you’re a Mahalia Jackson fan, she gets a cameo role!)

The point is, the housekeeper had a plan for when the inevitable happened. Smart woman. 

How many times have you attended or arranged a funeral and learned something you didn’t know about the deceased? 

I didn’t know my friend sang the Lord’s Prayer while out fishing on a lake one early morning with only one person, and we imagine a host of God’s creatures, to hear him. What a great remembrance I now have of him. 

Someone told me about a kindness my mother had extended to neighbours when they needed it most, and I never knew about it. Now a treasured memory I have of her. 

How often have you said ”I didn’t know that!” after a funeral? And as a result, that person’s time here is extended because you have that memory. 

That was Grace’s point. We miss out on those stories if we don’t hold something. 

I’m not here to sell funeral home or church services, but only to stir some thinking in how you might be approaching this subject. (Not to be morbid, but we all have an exit date!)

I have created a funeral binder (thanks Marg for the advice on this!) and told my kids where to find it. It includes all of the documents they will require at the time, as well as some advice and suggestions for the “arrangements” as we call them.  I have seen something similar online with the title “F*&$ I’m Dead. Now What?” but you can create your own version and spend less! Just borrow the fancy name and give the kids a giggle after you are gone!

There’s lots of online advice about what should or can be included, such as marriage certificate, birth certificate, will, insurance papers, banking instructions, burial plot or directions for ashes, music preferences, speaker preferences, – even the colour of your casket if that’s important to you! (Or as one movie recently depicted, the father requested that his sons actually dig the grave – yikes!)

I have avoided a post on new year resolutions because they just get hijacked anyway, but perhaps this is something you would consider doing this year for your family. They will benefit from the directions.

But, tongue firmly planted in cheek, why not leave them directions they’ll talk about for years to come?! 

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If you have a unique funeral story to share that demonstrates the importance of this ritual in our lives, please share by replying to this post. Scroll down to the bottom of the page to find the comment field. I suspect our stories will uplift each other! 

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